Forbiddances for Meriadoc Brandybuck and Peregrin Took
by slopes
Summary: It was a grand journey, but surely things can always be improved for the next time. Gandalf later regretted encouraging a pair of twin, non-twin, hobbits join the Fellowship.
1. Chapter 1

Ok, so I'm borrowing the idea of the list of grievances from...well, the person who started this type of fic, and needed some things out of my head. There was probably a lot of Pippin and Merry mischief that went unreported. Here is just a feeler.

* * *

 **From the official carried scripts of the Fellowship's Travels, within the second inner pocket under the left arm seam of Gandalf's robes:**

 **Page 1.**

 **Forbiddances for Meriadoc Brandybuck and Peregrin Took**

Any further infractions of the following contract shall hereby have the consequence of removal of both hobbits, and any co-conspirers, from the company of the fellowship.

1\. Elves do not appreciate smoking in their church.

2\. Stop sweet talking elves Meriadoc. Legolas does not appreciate it.

3\. We do not enjoy anyone using hobbit feet to wake us from sleep. The toes in Boromir's nose, and the heel in Aragorn's mouth are lucky to still be attached to the foot.

4\. There will be breakfast and dinner, with strict leniency on breaks in between. There is no second, third, or fourth breakfast, early, mid, or late afternoon lunch, later lunch, early first dinner, late first dinner, or tea, dessert, etc.…. This is ridiculous even for hobbit folk, and no one cares if Sam agrees on any of them.

5\. No more songs about love. And yes, we can interpret 'hobbit bush', 'butter biscuits', and 'faces full off foam'. Gimli does not have three votes on the matter either, and voting ties do not go to the shortest group.

6\. Yes, we thank you for crawling under the bramble to scout the path ahead. No, you cannot charge the Evenstar for reports.

7\. Do not eat it just because you see it.

8\. Stop telling passersby that we are a caravan of entertainers. Our mission requires secrecy but that does not mean Gimli has to impersonate a bearded lady, or Boromir needs to juggle daggers…at least let us hope not.

9\. If you decide to write a will, you can't specifically mention the Ring of Power. It is not even yours to give, for goodness sake.

10\. Meriadoc, no one conspires with your theory of elves being a one gender, female race. Stop convincing Peregrin; he already has enough trouble figuring out Legolas.

11\. Peregrin, stop demanding Legolas to take off his clothes for unquestionable proof. He is male.

12\. Stubbing a toe does not mean you get to be carried.

13\. You do not need to bribe Legolas, Gimli, Aragorn, Boromir, or myself to take out 'your Black Rider'. There is no rule that we each have to kill one, and certainly no one expects hobbits to take out those formidable, dark creatures.

14\. That is not an encouragement to try.

15\. QUIT LIGHTING FIRES AT NIGHT

16\. Neither of you are a wizard.

17\. My name if Gandalf, not Grand-oaf. _I am_ a high class wizard, and deserve the respect.

18\. A stepping stool is not a travel requirement.

a. Rewrite: We strike this in the case, that Frodo, Sam, and Gimli disagree, but no more celebrating your victory. It will most likely be the only time we reconsider anything from this contract.

19\. There is no such thing as short majority rule in this fellowship. Gimli is not the King either.

20\. ORC is not an acronym, especially not Ogres for Retribution Club. Stop suggesting treaties and peace talks. We are not handing over the ring, Aragorn, or all of Rohan. You can't set up share time for the Shire either.

21\. Telling Boromir you would give him two pieces of gold if he is able to steal the ring is not helping anyone.

* * *

Hope you agreed with these rules.

There are definitely more, but that's page two.


	2. Page 2

**Page 2**

22\. Stop trying to tickle Boromir, he is not in need of any cheering up. And why do you feel the need to touch him?

23\. You are not allowed to have traveling artists do your portraits. Black Rider's and orcs are on our tail, fools.

24\. You cannot call 'dibbsies' on ring bearer after Frodo. (Frodo is already paranoid enough as is.)

25\. If you should ever return to the shire, you will return Bilbo's tunic and pipe.

26\. Peregrin. _You_ knocked the Evenstar into the river. Even if by accident, deal with the consequences.

27\. For the last time. We are going to Mordor. We not need to ask directions.

28\. Just keep away from Aragon's neck in general. No one cares if you saw teeth marks or not.

29\. Arwen is not a vampire.

30\. Frodo is in general turmoil, not constipated. Stop feeding him berries, and shoving beans into his meals. And stop encouraging him to try relieving his pain at every bush we pass.

31\. Stop copying his faces too.

32\. You can't demand a daily wage, or better questing conditions. You will sleep on the ground and in the rain as the rest of us.

33\. Aragon does not carry a Kill book, nor a slay list. And if he does, I assure that none of the fellowship is part of either (though certain folk might be added soon, should Arwen ever be mentioned again)

34\. While we are all impressed you managed to get a few locks of Legolas' hair, you may not sell them claiming they have magical healing properties. Apologize….and give them back.

35\. Also, return his clothing. Peregrin, why have we seen none of this stealth when actually required or even slightly helpful?

36\. Yes, we all agree you two are excellent at drawing the enemy. Now stop doing so.

37\. Faking dramatic deaths will not endear you to us. And we are all immune to it by now.

38\. Holidays are not given off, nor travel time to return to the Shire and visit family. This would be a little counterproductive, would it not?

39\. You cannot summon Saruman. Especially, not with the phrase "I choose you." What in Middle Earth were you even talking about?

40\. I cannot bring stone statues to life to fight the enemy. Though, I am quite surprised you managed to scare them off.

41\. Water skipping contests with the Leaves of Lorien are not appropriate uses. No, we do not care that they float.

Here are the next 20. Late, but here nonetheless.


End file.
